I Company, 2nd U.S. Cavalry (reenactors), Part I

Did I mention that I'm an American Civil War reenactor?

I've been reenacting since September of 2001 as a member of the Frontier Army of the West. The group consists of a number of excellent people, and we have a good time together when we do these events. Schedules normally put us "on the line" once a month, but things seem to be slowing down.

It's been difficult for my wife and I to make many of this year's events. Between the boy, and my writing career (if "career" is the correct term), time away from work is precious. It's not always easy to get motivated; all said and done, it's a lot of work to get the gear together.

Plus, I'm out of shape. There's nothing more pathetic than a chubby guy huffing, puffing, and red in the face, dressed in a layer of blue wool in ninety-degree California heat. One of these days, I'm going to keel over dead, and they won't realize it until they play recall and my carcass remains on the ground, slowly drawing flies.

I'm posting this because my in-laws (namely, my wife's grandparents), upon reading this blog, asked me to post more things about writing, work, and reenacting. Writing content is more appropriate to my professional site; posting about my day job, on the other hand, might not be a good idea. Although I enjoy my job, I don't know if I want to post about it in my blog. That doesn't mean I won't, eventually, but it's not happening today.

So, this installment is about the people in my unit. A zany cast of characters if ever there was one. Most of them are very much to the right (politically), so us "closet liberals" (namely, my wife and I) keep our mouths shut and avoid politically-charged conversation as if it were bubonic plague.

So, let us begin with...

The Captain
Captain Schurmann is our fearless leader. He's a good-natured sort, so long as you're not Michael Moore or Jane Fonda. The Captain is a fountain of all sorts of information; some of this information is entirely useful, a few tidbits are completely trivial, and the rest are probably offensively funny in one respect or another.

Hot Tip: Never let the Captain use your only bar of soap.

Trooper George
Trooper George (on the left in this rare photo) is also the unit's quartermaster sergeant. She...er, I mean, he...is one mean S.O.B., especially if you're thick enough to wash his cast iron skillets with soap, or leave the cold cuts out of the cooler for all the vermin to enjoy. When he's not on duty, George likes to whoop it up with the rest of the troopers and tell tales around the camp fire. He's got a soft spot for children, so long as they behave themselves.

Interesting Fact: George nearly lost his thumb in a wood-chopping accident, and drove himself to several hospitals before he found someone willing to sew it back on.

Trooper Frank
Don't let that goofy smile fool you: Trooper Frank is as blood-thirsty as they come. He's got a bad habit of packing his rounds with so much powder that his bullets will transform unlucky rebs into a fine, crimson mist. His craving for violence even extends to his companions, as he nearly blew my foot off at the Battle of Huntington Beach in 2004.

About the only thing that redeems this scoundrel, besides his delectable baked bean recipe, is his lovely wife, Lisa Belle. If it weren't for her outstanding charm and character, I think we would've staked Frank out for the ants on some God-forsaken prairie a long time ago.

Quote: "If you're gonna be a bear, be a grizzly!"

Corporal Slag
What can I say about my fellow corporal, except that his attitude lends itself well to the rest of the unit's misfits. He's got a mouth like a sailor, and will lean over conspiratorially when he tells a very bad joke. He also brings a ready supply of barking spiders to every event. I think he must hold several US patents on the creatures, because each and every one of them is different than the last.

Though he seems relatively calm in the above photo, Corporal Slag is not asleep. He's merely laying in wait for some unfortunate to come within arm's reach.

Hot Tip: Stay away from Corporal Slag's stern, if you catch my drift.

Trooper Hal:
Trooper Hal is Corporal Slag's bestest friend. The two of them go everywhere together. Despite this, Hal is actually a pretty decent guy...as far as troopers go, that is. He's pretty laid back, and enjoys the simple things in life...like shooting at rebs.

"Hal" isn't Trooper Hal's real name. He's only called "Hal" because he stripped a good deal of his equipment off the body of the real Trooper Hal after the poor fellow was court-martialled and executed for desertion.

Quote: "You sure got pretty lips."

Trooper Pat
Rumor has it that Trooper Pat was a constable, sheriff, or policeman in his civilian life. He says that the only reason he became a cop was because he was too unstable to be a postal worker. In this picture, you can almost see the madness that brews deep within his untamed soul.

Without a doubt, Pat is the master of most things that go "boom!" If your weapon is broken, fouled, or otherwise in need of repair, Pat's your man. If you catch him stroking your carbine while he whispers sweet nothings to it, don't worry. This sort of sweet talk seems to work wonders, along with a healthy dose of Windex.

Hot Tip: Never, under any circumstances, refer to Trooper Pat as "Patricia."

Trumpeter Sergeant Powell
Sergeant Powell is only in the cavalry because his music is too brilliant for the unwashed masses. He's undoubtedly the most photogenic of the unit, and his steely blue eyes have broken the heart of many a southern belle.

Despite being in dozens of battles, Sergeant Powell has never died, nor has he suffered a wound of any severity. It is his sad fate to survive his companions so that he can play taps as their swollen bodies draw flies in the afternoon heat. Along with his musical inclinations, Sergeant Powell is also very good at frying bacon.

Interesting Fact: Sergeant Powell is mad about polkas. When he's not blowing a charge on his bugle, he's playing "oompa loompa" at an Octoberfest.

What About the Rest of the Lads?
Of course, there are other folks in I Company, but my responsibilities only permit me so much time to describe them to you. Never fear! The worst of the lot are yet to come. Eventually, you will come face to face with the horror that is Sergeant Roberts, the sadism of 1st Sergeant Crisp, and the raving lunacy of the Lam Brothers.

Ahhh...what a mean-looking bunch, wouldn't you say?